One Year Later

Preface:

Sometimes I wish I had an alias or ghostwriter of some sort so the whole world wouldn’t know all of my business! But then what’s the point of going through stuff if you can’t share your testimony in hopes that others won’t have to go through the same stuff, or will have a better understanding of the things they go through?

The Note:
One year ago today J called with some of the most disturbing news. My friend, whom I endearingly called “brudder”, had died! In shock, I sat on the phone waiting to roll over and discover that it had only been of the many horrible dreams I had been having regarding death (my biggest FEAR). Sadly, it was a dream but very really. I realized that this thing called DEATH wasn’t something that I could escape from, although on previous occasions I failed in attempts to do so.

This one was something, like the others, I had to deal with. After that moment of silence on the phone and after I had said out loud , “I definitely am not in the mood to deal with this right now”, I knew that I had to approach this one totally differently. This time I knew I was going to have to press not to be anger at God, I was going to have to press not to dwell on all the whys and why nots. This time I was going to have to accept that no matter how I felt, God was sovereign and still is!

With all the other DEATHS there was one thing that I didn’t find myself dealing with…replacement. After I had gotten over the initial loss I wasn’t constantly thinking, “who is gonna take “they’re place”. But with Jamaal I did! Nope! I didn’t go looking for folks nor did I go through a list of those in already placed in life to replace him and his friendship! In my mind that was impossible! No one could make me laugh the way he did. No one will drive all the way out to the valley to come see lil’ ol me like he did. No one will threaten the dudes I dated like he did. So why even try?

I remember a good friend of mine saying that after she lost someone VERY dear to her that God made ways to fill that void eventually. At first I thought, “what the heck! NO ONE can replace my brudder”. But she wasn’t talking about someone to take his place where I would forget about him. It’s hard to explain, but I understand EXACTLY what she meant! When I wasn’t looking, God moved me into a position where my environment and those in it started to change. Before you knew it I became able to lean on folks just like I did with Jamaal. God had position dependable people in my life. Even when I was reluctant to let others into my personal space of transparency and vulnerability as I did with Jamaal, I found myself slowly allowing others to see the real me.

So no, no one can ever replace him, but looking back after a long year of dealing with it, I can honestly say that the void is being filled and I am so happy that I allowed God to do it through those special people. Was it easy? NO! Still isn’t, ‘cause sometimes I wanna be all to myself, thinking that no one but J and Jamaal understands me. But it’s gotten easier.

Lessons:
When God moves things around in your life, take advantage of it. Even in pain. “All things work together for the good of those that love Christ” Romans 8:28.

Don’t wait till a person’s funeral to give them flowers!

why are you really "dating" HIM???

"Oh yeah, I got a boo, Jesus".

Something even I have said before, with the notion that I was, at the time, dating Jesus, as in Christ. At that time we (Jesus and I) went on dates to the movies, dinner, Jamba Juice runs and whatever else I invited in to (like He’s not EVERYWHERE LOL). It was great! I really for a chance to get to know the God I serve.
On the contrary, it has been brought to my attention that the whole “dating God” concept has been taken way out of context as of late. While waiting on a tangible boo, females say they are dating God, which to a certain extent is ok (we’ll get into that later). But what happens when the real boo comes along and “sweeps you off your feet”? God gets dumped. BOOOOO!!!!!!! So why not keep it real and say, “I am lonely, I wish I had a man” and “to keep it real, I am longing for a companion”? Instead the concept of “dating Gog” is being used as an attempt to minimize or eliminate loneliness.
Here’s my issue… Why date God when you can marry Him? And why would one think that it’s ok to dump God when the real boo comes along?
Sometimes it’s easier to cover up the real issue(s): loneliness, impatience, frustration and even jealousy (because everyone else is boo’d up but you). So instead of being real with, 1) Yourself and 2) others around you, you mask your loneliness with, “It’s just me and Jesus and I am happy with that” facade. Ha! What is interesting is that you end up fooling no one but yourself.
I have been there! Yeah I have “dated” God. When folks asked me how I was doing or how I had been, “oh me and Jesus, we been kicking it real hard”, would be one of my responses. Just a smilin’. As soon as I got home, all alone, I would cry out all of my frustrations! I was pissed and quite envious that I was “dating” God and she was dating him and he was dating her and everyone looks so happy in their relationships and I was stuck with God.

In actuality I wasn’t dating anyone and no one was dating me. That time alone to date God was supposed to be alone time with Him and really get to know Him better, but the only thing I was doing was COMPLAINING, fussing and fighting. Thank God it only took a month for me to come to my senses and realize that I wasn’t being real with myself, that me “dating” God was a cover up for my desire for a tangible companion. I knew that the longer I lived in that facade the longer I was going to be unhappy. So after I repented (which is key), I began to date God FORREAL! Not to mask my loneliness, but with the right motives, praying for sincere contentment with Him. When my motives changed my level of commitment changed. I stopped dating God and I married Him. HUGE DIFFERNCE!!!! Just think the wedding vows people take…
I,____________ take you_______ to be my wife/husband in plenty and I want (when I have and when I don’t), for better or for worse (during the ups and the downs), through sickness and in health (when you’re well and when you are not), until death do us part (self explanatory).
See the difference? Marriage is a covenant. It is not dating, where you can just say, “um I don’t like the way you did or didn’t do this, let’s breakup”. Huge difference.

My Encouragement:
I urge you to search your heart and your motives for “dating “God. This is not pertaining to those who literally find serenity in going out alone to dinner or to the movies and bring Christ along. But ask yourself, “Why am I really dating God?” I encourage you to get hitched, married, forreal boo’d up with Jesus Christ and not just because you are lonely and are waiting for your earthly companion. Date him for wisdom, peace, joy, love.
Perhaps you have found that tangible boo, do not dump God. I repeat DO NOT DUMP GOD!!!!!! You need him even more now to help you sustain your courtship!
Ok I think I am done.

Side note:
• Ok, so I have NO idea how to relate this to dudes, so feel free to add your input

Reflections

Reflections by Jason Champion

I may not sing as well as most of my friends
I may not play as well as some of them can
Would that make me a better man?
Would you wanna shake my hand?
Would you wanna be a fan?

But there’s no light with my name
There’s no stars on walks of fame
There‘s no crowd screaming more
No one asking for encores

When I look in the mirror here’s what I see
I see my Savior looking at me
When I look in the mirror I don’t see me
I see my purpose, I see destiny!

I may not write the songs that the whole world will sing
May not live in a mansion or have the wealth of a king
Would that make me a better man?
Would you wanna shake my hand?
Would you wanna be a fan?

Through the eyes of God I’m more than I could’ve dreamed
Through the eyes of God I am soaring on eagles wings
If the people could only see what knowing the Lord has done for me



I never thought that these exact lyrics would minister so much tho me on the very same day I first heard them. I thought to myself, "this is a nice song" and that's all the thought I had given it until Sunday evening. Church went well. The word was on point. Worship, spirit filled as always. Impact rehearsal was fun. The usual Sunday afternoon nap was well needed. Woke up and BAM!!!! Adversity!!!! Are you serious? Satan sends text messages?? Yes He does!!!!

I received a message from a person I once considered a friend, expressing how much they didn't want to be in their life any longer and that part was ok with me. But the message went on to say that they had yet to observe any growth in me (in reference to my spiritual man) and that I was "not the woman or girl for that matter you assume you are" THANK YOU JESUS! I can laugh now but my initial reaction or thoughts about how I should react were NOT the most Christ-like. However, my response to the message contained no malicious retaliation but I told that person that I would make things easier for them and quit everything that we were both involved in (which is a lot).

It took all of 5 (that's a good #) minutes to retract that statement. Wait! Hold the phone!!!! Who are you to tell me what you have seen and not seen? I made the decision not to let that mess (for lack of a better term) knock me off my post. I was reminded that I have conquered far greater attacks than this! This was nothing!

About an hour or so later I thought I had brushed it off, but I was still FURIOUS. Why was this hanging me up so much? Often times we pay so much, too much, to what other people say or think about us. This is why it is important to know who you are, whose you are and what He says about you. Psalm 149:4 says His thoughts about us are precious. Psalm 149:4 says He delights in his people.

I figured out the reason that message bothered me so much was because in some ways I am unsure about myself, insecure, if you will, in certain areas. I too question my growth at times. I wonder if what I do pleases the Lord and can other peole see him in me. Yeah , it hurt a little that it came from someone who I thought was a friend but when reality hit, I was overjoyed! All I had to do was just take a moment to reflect over where I was shoot, like a year ago, a month ago! Growth? Yes! Maturity? Definitely. What's ironic is that this person said that hadn't seen growth but I had already begun to OUTGROW them! HA!Ha! HA!

The Song:
Resonated so much on the inside of me because, NO, I may not be able to sing like so and so or play like him or her. Does that make me any less of who I am and who I am striving to become? ABSOLUTELY NOT! I could have let that mess disturb me much longer but I know that there is much more on the inside of me than what the NATURAL eye can see! When I look at me I do see Jesus! I see my purpose! I see destiny! So I am not trippin' about what this person can't see. Through the eyes of God I’m more than I could’ve dreamed. Through the eyes of God I am soaring on eagles wings

My Encouragement:
1. Be confident in you are and who He, the Lord, is calling you to become!
2. Learn to take things with a grain of salt and discern which things being said are worth going back to the Lord in prayer about!


this one is free: Not everyone YOU consider a "friend" is a "friend"

Amen!

Where are the TRUE worshippers at?

I can remember being a little girl saying, “I can’t wait to grow up”… If I knew that some parts of growing up were going to hurt and sometimes even be uncomfortable I would have probably thought twice about anticipating being a “grown up".

As a worship leader and actually acknowledging that leading worship is a part of my calling, I have recently been experiencing some growing pains. Growing up isn’t easy, I have come to realize. But all of it is not that bad. I am learning to deal with the changing of my voice, the maturing of my voice and taking steps to improve my delivery. That’s been the easy part, well not that easy but it’s not as hard as embarking on a new level of discernment, responsibility and accountability.

Last night as I was began to settle down from the long day I had, a question raised in my head, “Where are the TRUE worshippers at?” I had just finished crying my eyes out of frustration and passion at the same time and that question the end result. I prayed with the question still heavy on my heart. Woke up this morning. Question still there. Got to work. Still there. It led me to John 4.

Frequently I have heard people reference verse 23 and 24 when it comes to true worshipper. Honestly, reading 2 verses didn’t help me much so I decided to read the entire chapter. The words leaped off the pages!

It begins with the Samaritan woman at the Well. In verses 7-8 the Samaritan woman is asked by Jesus for a drink while she drew water from a well. Her response went something like this, “How can you ask me for a drink? Do you know who I am? I am a Samaritan.” Sounds pretty familiar… God asks us to do things all the time, like worship, and we automatically disqualify ourselves, “Who me? Do you know who I am? I’m all messed up. Go ask someone else”. Jesus’ response is so funny to me. “If you knew who I was YOU would be asking for a drink…” It’s clear she didn’t know who he was. What’s even funnier is that we do the same thing. Sometimes we are in the presence of the Lord and do not even know it! The Samaritan woman may have had an excuse though. She didn’t know him. We know him or we should know Him (not just know of him), but we don’t acknowledge his presence.

Jesus went on to tell the woman that he would give her fresh, living water. He said that “whoever drinks the water I give him will never thirst. The water I give him will become in him a spring of water welling up to eternal life” (John 4:13-14). You mean to tell me that the very one who can give us LIFE stands right there in our faces and we don’t even know it! WOW!!!!!!! That is upsetting.

So after this Samaritan woman acknowledges that the man she is talking to at the well is a prophet, she sort of questions him by saying, “Our ancestors worshipped God at this mountain, but you Jews insist that Jerusalem is the only place to worship right?” In verse 21-23 Jesus tell this one that the time is coming that Samaritans will worship the Father neither at that mountain nor there in Jerusalem. I think I can go as far to say that He may have even been alluding to the fact that the time will come where there won’t be a particular place of worship , it won’t matter where you go, rather it’s on a mountain or in a particular city.

Well my friends, that time is NOW! It doesn’t matter where you go to worship… you can worship at home, at church, in a parking lot at the beach, wherever. In fact Worship is not even you may think it is. Worship is a lifestyle! It’s not necessarily singing a song and lifting your hands and swaying back and forth to music. In fact, John 4:23-24 says that it’s who you are and the way you live that count before God. Your worship must engage your spirit in the pursuit of truth. So can you worship God on your job? Yes! Can you worship God in the grocery store? Yes! Can you worship God in church, even if you are not a part of the Praise and Worship Team? Yes! Can you worship Him in dance? Yes! “Yet a time is coming and has NOW come when the true worshippers will worship the Father in spirit and truth, for they are the kind of worshippers the Father seeks” (John 4:23).

The Gist:
God is looking for the kind of people are in pursuit of the truth in their worship. He is searching of those who are purely and honestly themselves before him in their worship. He’s looking for those who are worshipping Him (and only Him) out of their very being, their spirits , their true selves in adoration, reverence and honor.

The Result of your True Worship:
After the woman at the well encountered Jesus she went back to her village and told them all about it. I can just imagine the excitement on her face as she urged the people to come see for themselves. “Come see a man who knew all about the things I did, who knows me inside and out!”, she said. After they went to see Jesus for himself the bible says that many of the Samaritans from that village committed themselves to him because of the woman’s witness! WOW! Isn’t that what were called to do? Draw people to Christ and the Kingdom of Christ? We are to do the same thing that the Samaritan did in our worship, proclaim Jesus and to create a d compelling witness so that others can come to Him.

My Encouragement:
As I am beginning to examine myself, my heart, motives and my heart behind my worship, I encourage you to do the same. Are you only a beliver when you have become dazzled by a miracle (John 4:48)? Are you only worshipping God in one particular way or in one particular place? Can people witness the presence of the Lord through your worship? Have you disqualified yourself because of you are or used to be? Is your worship out of adoration and reverence? God is asking, “Where are the true worshippers at?” Can you answer Him by saying, “Here I am Lord, I will worship you in spirit and in truth”?

26, Just What I Needed!!!!

Boy oh Boy!!! For the past couple of weeks I have been reflecting on the past year! 25! I have been through hell and back in just one year. I was in what can be called an abusive realtionship (mentally), a very dear friend of mine passed away, wrestling with myself and with God became an ongoing struggle and after having prayed to be stretched, God answered my prayer, which in turn placed me in a position that forced me to be more transparent and to dig deeper into my calling as a worship leader. Whew!!! Praise God He was there the whole time to sustain me. Honestly,from October 25, 2007 all the way up until October 5, 2008 I felt all alone, like I was enduring all these things by myself. My New Year's Resolution for 2008 was simply just to "Live" and to live according to the definition of the word...

LIVE is defined this way: to continue to have life; remain alive;to continue in existence;to maintain or support one's existence; provide for oneself; to pass life in a specified manner; to experience or enjoy life to the full;to escape destruction or remain afloat

Quite frankly, up until my 26th birthday, I felt like I was doing the exact opposite of what I destined to do; I felt dead for a load of reasons.

Sunday, woke me up!!!! It took a "roast" at my birthday dinner for me to wake up!!! Behind all the hilarious things my loved ones shared, I was able to see that they all see my heart and that is most important. For the first time in a long time I was in a room with 30 people and I DIDN'T feel alone! God, through the words of those that shared, reminded me who HE sees when He looks at me. I was reminded of I am through Him and who I am striving to be.

Who would have thought that someone that so simple as a "Roast" would bring so much comfort, love, joy and revival? Not me!

Where is the love?

Saturday while I was loading the washing machine a song that we used to sing when I was younger randomly popped in my head. If I can remember it correctly it went a little something like this;

“Love is something if you give it away
Give it away Give it away
Love is something if you give it away you’ll end up having more
It’s just like a lucky penny; Hold it tight and you won't have any
But if you give it away you'll have plenty
You'll end up having more”

I kept singing and singing and singing, not really paying attention to the words that were coming out of my mouth. Around the third time or so of me singing this song I thought to myself, “THIS SONG IS CRAP!” At that very moment I didn’t believe one line of that song! To think of it, I don’t even feel like that this morning.
After I thought about the lyrics to this song all day Saturday, I started to ask myself, where is the Love? More than ever I have been feeling like I have been giving and giving and giving love but I am still waiting on my “You'll end up having more”. Where the heck is it? Am I even supposed to be looking for it? What will it look like when it comes? Who or where is it supposed to come from? How come I don’t feel it?

?????

when is it gonna be my turn....let me vent!!
When is it going to be my turn?
When is it going to be my turn to be happy?
And how come I don't feel like I am?
Wait! What is happiness anyway?
So..... Back to what I was saying...
When is it going to be my turn to be happy, to be satisfied, content?
When is it gonna be my turn to be adored and cared for?
When is it going to be my turn to stop longing for romance, love, companionship?
When will it be my turn to laugh, and be giddy?
When is it gonna be my time to be taken seriously and not walked over like a doormat?
When it going to be my turn to stop getting hurt and never holla'd at?
When is it going to be my turn to stop crying late at night? When is it going to be where people will see me and not ask, is everything alright?
When is it gonna be my turn to held, cuddled with and carressed? When will someone notice that I'm witty and have some finesse?
When will be the time when I recognize that this aint about me? When will be the time that I realize God's got me where he wants me to be?
When will it be my turn to find Mr. Right? When will I wake up and see that the darkness I feel is really God's Precious light?
When will I have more trust in God and more dependency? When is it gonna be my turn to feel like God is filling that void in me?
When is gonna be turn....I could go on and on
But one thing I have realized is that I'm not in this alone.
When? To some of these questions, it's now, and it's to obvious to me that the rest will be in God's timing.(Decemeber 17, 2006)

As I skimmed through pieces I have written over the years, I came acrossesd this random poem I wrote on my T-Mobile Sidekick in like 5 minutes. I sit in amazement but not in a good way. I am kinna disappointed,mostly because it's been 2 years ago since I wrote this but this is how I feel TODAY! Am I in the same place that I was in when I first wrote this, in some areas it's looking like I am! Frustrtation overcomes me because it seems like my prayers have not been answered. Disappointment sets in and makes me feel like I have not done all the growing that I should have done in the past 2 years. As my 26th birthday approaches, I am beginning to reflect on the things that I know I could be doing differently. I am even reflecting on the stagnant points on my timeline of "life". Reality is a hard pill to swallow. But the time is NOW to move forward, forgetting what is behind me! That's just it tho'!!!! How do I press through where I am now and forget what's behind me, if where I am now is soooo old? (Did that make sense?)

How do I get out of where I am on September 24,2008 if it's the same place I was on December17, 2006? What am I doing wrong????