when is it gonna be my turn....let me vent!!
When is it going to be my turn?
When is it going to be my turn to be happy?
And how come I don't feel like I am?
Wait! What is happiness anyway?
So..... Back to what I was saying...
When is it going to be my turn to be happy, to be satisfied, content?
When is it gonna be my turn to be adored and cared for?
When is it going to be my turn to stop longing for romance, love, companionship?
When will it be my turn to laugh, and be giddy?
When is it gonna be my time to be taken seriously and not walked over like a doormat?
When it going to be my turn to stop getting hurt and never holla'd at?
When is it going to be my turn to stop crying late at night? When is it going to be where people will see me and not ask, is everything alright?
When is it gonna be my turn to held, cuddled with and carressed? When will someone notice that I'm witty and have some finesse?
When will be the time when I recognize that this aint about me? When will be the time that I realize God's got me where he wants me to be?
When will it be my turn to find Mr. Right? When will I wake up and see that the darkness I feel is really God's Precious light?
When will I have more trust in God and more dependency? When is it gonna be my turn to feel like God is filling that void in me?
When is gonna be turn....I could go on and on
But one thing I have realized is that I'm not in this alone.
When? To some of these questions, it's now, and it's to obvious to me that the rest will be in God's timing.(Decemeber 17, 2006)
As I skimmed through pieces I have written over the years, I came acrossesd this random poem I wrote on my T-Mobile Sidekick in like 5 minutes. I sit in amazement but not in a good way. I am kinna disappointed,mostly because it's been 2 years ago since I wrote this but this is how I feel TODAY! Am I in the same place that I was in when I first wrote this, in some areas it's looking like I am! Frustrtation overcomes me because it seems like my prayers have not been answered. Disappointment sets in and makes me feel like I have not done all the growing that I should have done in the past 2 years. As my 26th birthday approaches, I am beginning to reflect on the things that I know I could be doing differently. I am even reflecting on the stagnant points on my timeline of "life". Reality is a hard pill to swallow. But the time is NOW to move forward, forgetting what is behind me! That's just it tho'!!!! How do I press through where I am now and forget what's behind me, if where I am now is soooo old? (Did that make sense?)
How do I get out of where I am on September 24,2008 if it's the same place I was on December17, 2006? What am I doing wrong????
Hope Deferred
12 years ago
3 comments:
Man I feel not because it's nice to feel you or I think I know how you feel but lowkey (I know...lol), I feel like I'm in that same exact place. Don't know how I got here but I'm pretty sure that if I retraced my steps some things would make sense however all I know is I can't stay here. I gotta get out. I want to be the woman that God has called me to be but all I know is who I've been. Dang...sigh...Thanks for the post Minah it provoked a lot of thought and emotion for me. Thanks. Keep Sharing.
I was thinking the something similar last week. How did I get here? Why am I in this place? Cuz I KNOW I shouldn't be here. There HAS to be more than this.
What I'm learning is that some things we need to get off our butts, our fears and our doubts and just go handle (ie our jobs, issues in our friendships, spiritual growth, attitudes, etc.). Other things we can't control much of (other people's attitudes, when that special someone will come into our life, etc.) Those are harder for me.
I'm so glad I'm not alone in this and other people are feeling similar things.
So im back...its interesting how I got onto your blog site, but if you want to hear a miraculous act of God, you can call me. Otherwise just know its miraculous. SO...I have read all of your blogs in the last hour (I had a couple of sessions with God while doing so, I dont read that slow.LOL!),I skimmed the one today a little, then I read the one about Jacob wrestling, then to the Grinch one, and then I was like..LORD this is way to much to soke in, I should take a break and come back later...LOL! But just one more I thought... I initally came to see what you were writing today. So I looked at the dates, and of course it was the one I skimmed. I read it throughly this time, and I realized that what you said today is what I was Just on my face about, after reading Jacob. I realized...IM SO SICK OF THIS PERSON, (Me) So then I was like LORD what the heck are me and Minah the same today. (who knows?) But what I do know is the answer he gave me through all of the tears is....Change = Action. On a personal note im so scared of changing because I dont want all of these people to watch me change. I want to do it in private. I want to just show up somewhere new. Funny right? Microwave gernation thinking. I dont mind working for the change, but I guess im like you. Where do I begin, and What went wrong? Im 23 and I was far more powerful at 19 and 20. Through it all God comforts me and reminds me that nothing per say has went wrong, Its just a matter of timing. Its like a chemical reaction. Some reactions happen really quickly. ( like learning compasion, patience, etc.) Some reactions evolve over time, happening really slow. (confidence, self-esteem, lonliness, etc) I believe its just a matter of not letting the enemy discourage us, and taking our change seriously as if its something we are studying. So Today...I declare im studying myself. And everything I dont like about me...Im turning it around immediately. Not tomorrow but as soon as I notice it. There will be no slipping. Im so sick of my opinions, I want to just have opinions straight from the word. LOL!!!
Im so long winded, but the answer to your question is becoming a dominatrix! Leeping out of our comfort zone and designing who it is we really want to be, and creating a road map on how to get there. Taking it one step at a time.
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